Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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