I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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