i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
