Your mouth is God's brothel.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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