I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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