Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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