Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
PANTIES FOUND
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
