my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
