OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
