my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Can I color on your dick again?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
