You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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