just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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