This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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