just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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