why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
And then the night went full on bisexual.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
