Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
