Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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