just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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