You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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