It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
