She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
