last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
