You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
