I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
