Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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