I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize