I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
