If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You dont lie about slip and slides
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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