When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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