Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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