Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
