There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
