of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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