Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
