i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
