Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
