how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
