the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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