Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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