The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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