Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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