ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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