You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
