i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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