my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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