now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
