I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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