conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
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