So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
