So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
