Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize