He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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