I wish I could teleport
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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