I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Let's get the cat blown out
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
