literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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