i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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